if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
