i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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