They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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