im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
