So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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