Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
