Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
