Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
