Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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