Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
