We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
