Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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