is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize