i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
