They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize