There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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