I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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