I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
