my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
and eventually we just all took our pants off
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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