I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
