Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize