ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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