"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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