Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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