census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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