All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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