I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
