I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
