I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
