I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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