just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
