I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize