This is not my ceiling
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
