I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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