is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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