she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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