I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
