Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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