I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
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