this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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