Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
