I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
