you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
