I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
