somebody snuck up and got me drunk
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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