If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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