ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
