so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
