I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Pooping to opera.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
