My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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