haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
