yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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