If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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