Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
