Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
this boner is exhausting
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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