also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just forgot I was standing up.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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