I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize