I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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