If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
