You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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