Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Randomize
