So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
